How to Read Books: A 'What Army and I' guide

I, like many people, like to read books. Books with words, and if anyone is looking, no pictures.

For those times when there's someone else in the room and you're slogging through the dull adventures of the pros and cons of dating Mr Darcy, the following may help make it bearable until you get back to your Mr Men Anthology.

• Assume the author came up with stuff as it's revealed in the narrative. If someone's backstory was just revealed then it's cause the author finally worked out what it should have been.*

• If the story has a narrating voice assume the voice is actually biased toward the villain and sarcasm will become the main literary devices of the book. "The Hero reached out and snatched the shiny stone" sounds much more interesting if the narrator thinks he deserves said stone.

• Read all character's names as "Silence!"** as everyone becomes a lot more aggressive and assertive.

• For kicks and giggles, read the book backwards and see if it ever starts to make sense. See also classical books as twitter posts.

•  Following true Tumblr fashion you can always opt for the OTP rules and pick two, seemingly at random, characters and find any contrivance to insinuate a romantic relationship between the two, It makes the dull meetings at Rivendell all the more interesting to work out when Gandalf and Elrond might be sneaking away for a romantic tryst.***

 Following any of these simple formulas (or if you forget then just try paying attention to the plot, that always makes a book interesting) any challenging book thicker than your pride will pose no threat to your hipster/librarian cred.

*I write stories like this. More often than not if a character hasn't had their name revealed it's cause I can't think of a name and just play for time by building tension and intrigue. I managed to once introduce a character, build them up to seeming all mysterious then had them back stabbed and forgotten without ever having to give them a name beyond a title (e.g. The Count), his backstory was revealed later, but I had much less trouble writing him without having to have his whole story mapped out. 

**Optionally change names to pretty much any command, I just prefer silence as it makes the best G rated changes to the Harry Potter series. 

***God have mercy if you pick this option for any of Arthur Conan Doyle's Books.****

****BECAUSE IT WORKS WITH BLOODY EVERYBODY!!!!! IT'S NOT EVEN A GAME, IT'S ALLLL CANON!!!!!